Wow! I nearly forgot about this blog. I really enjoyed looking back at all the posts and pictures and remembering the wonderful times. I sincerely loved being a mom. Not that I'm not a mom anymore. Once a mom, always a mom. However, all the kids are grown and out on their own. Now it's just me, the Roger, and the Bean. I'm the only human in that mix, although I swear the dog would argue with me on that issue. But back to the point.. I really, really loved being a mom. Truly, I have loved many, many times during my life, but that may have been my favorite so far. It was not planned and certainly had many bumps along the way, but it was absolutely wonderful. As a teenager, i remember thinking your 40's must be the best! If you had kids, they were mostly grown and self sufficient. Most peoples finances are pretty stable by then. Life was easy. I was looking forward to it. And you know what? I was right. At least that's how mine, for the most part, turned out. But in my teenage years, I didn't dream beyond that decade. What happens after that decade when you turn 50? What happens after the kids move out? What happens if you are divorced and alone? What then? Thats what I have been contemplating for a while now. Covid hit about the same time the last kid moved out and, again, lots of things changed. To be honest, I have been floundering for a few years now. What do I do? Where do I go next? What do I want? Is this what they call a mid-life crisis? Is it just empty nest syndrome? Is there a difference? I had dreams of being an herbalist with a little farm and business to go along with it. Dreams of working in the garden and with the animals. Holding classes on things like tinctures, canning, foraging. Although I learned a good deal while the passion was alive, that interest eventually fizzled. Not that I have no interest in it at all anymore. I just don't have the passion to make it my life. I love to read books and watch movies about adventurous people. People who just take off and live the life they want, or people who do extreme adventures like river rafting or moutain climbing, or people who hit hard times and then find their passion and success in their survival. I guess travel has been my one passion that never seems to wane. It has always been a love of mine. I enjoy coming home, but the itch to travel hits again and again amd again. Do I just take off and travel the world? Travel nursing didn't happen the first attempt related to family issues, but maybe it would now? I really love where I work now and have a position I'm reluctant to give up, but is that a reason not to reach for things I have been dreaming of for years and years? I have nothing to hold me back. Fear. I have fear that holds me back. Fear that finances won't be adequate. Fear of doing it alone. Fear that I'll screw up my life. But isn't holding myself back screwing up my life? I have always said I dont want to be on my deathbed wishing I had lived a different life. I want to be happy with the life I chose to lead. Why am I holding myself back? Kids are gone. No relationship to contemplate. Finances are comfortable. Have my dreams changed? I have finally accepted that the yurt isnt what I want anymore. I resisted that for years, just thinking I needed to persevere. The land isn't what I want anymore. It took many, many setbacks and the universe slapping me in the face numerous times for me to realize that isnt the direction I need to be going. But where do I go? What do I want? Who am I now? I have no idea. Trying to figure all that out right now...Maybe hiking 500 miles will help me figure that out...