Lost

It’s getting close. My Camino is 46 days away. It has given me something to aspire to. For so long, I had no direction, no real goal. I was floundering trying to figure out who I was if not a mom. Being a mom had been such a huge part of me, and now, they are all grown. I remember hearing something one time to the effect of if you’ve been a good parent your kids won’t need you when they grow up. I feel that. All to painfully now. Empty nest syndrome is a thing. I read a lot about it, but every thing I kcome across speaks about a couple, a husband and wife. What if your only one? If your a part of a couple, at least you still have the other half. If you’ve been a single parent, it’s just you. A house that has been full of noise is so very quiet. That meal for five becomes a meal for one. Is it even worth it? Despair sets in and you wonder what do I do now? My purpose in life is gone. Often, parents are so busy raising their kids, especially single parents, that they haven’t had time to foster other relationships. So not only are our kids gone, but we end up with no friends to continue on with, to help us deal with this transition and all the feelings it brings up. Initially, they all still come around for dinners and family gatherings. Then they get significant others or married and they have to split the time and no one is ever on the same schedule and it get super hard to get everyone together. Loneliness sets in with bouts of depression. Oh lord! This isnt who I am! How did this happen and what do I do about it? Only then you have no energy to put into doing anything about it. So we get real familiar with the couch and the tv. What?!?  I didn’t even allow tv for so long in my house. That plug-in drug!??! No way. Now it’s my best friend. This has to stop.  So, I’m doing the Camino. Hoping for one of those life altering epiphanies. One that’s going to help me figure out the rest of my life. One that’s going to help me find a new direction, a new purpose. One that’s going to help me find me again. 

I watched The Way tonight. Actually, I could hardly watch it because I was crying so much. Is that because my Camino is coming up and all the emotions are beginning to rise

 to the surface? Will I find my Way? 

Wow! I nearly forgot about this blog. I really enjoyed looking back at all the posts and pictures and remembering the wonderful times. I sincerely loved being a mom. Not that I'm not a mom anymore. Once a mom, always a mom. However, all the kids are grown and out on their own. Now it's just me, the Roger, and the Bean. I'm the only human in that mix, although I swear the dog would argue with me on that issue. But back to the point.. I really, really loved being a mom. Truly, I have loved many, many times during my life, but that may have been my favorite so far. It was not planned and certainly had many bumps along the way, but it was absolutely wonderful. As a teenager, i remember thinking your 40's must be the best! If you had kids, they were mostly grown and self sufficient. Most peoples finances are pretty stable by then. Life was easy. I was looking forward to it. And you know what? I was right. At least that's how mine, for the most part, turned out. But in my teenage years, I didn't dream beyond that decade. What happens after that decade when you turn 50? What happens after the kids move out? What happens if you are divorced and alone? What then? Thats what I have been contemplating for a while now. Covid hit about the same time the last kid moved out and, again, lots of things changed. To be honest, I have been floundering for a few years now. What do I do? Where do I go next? What do I want? Is this what they call a mid-life crisis? Is it just empty nest syndrome? Is there a difference? I had dreams of being an herbalist with a little farm and business to go along with it. Dreams of working in the garden and with the animals. Holding classes on things like tinctures, canning, foraging. Although I learned a good deal while the passion was alive, that interest eventually fizzled. Not that I have no interest in it at all anymore. I just don't have the passion to make it my life. I love to read books and watch movies about adventurous people. People who just take off and live the life they want, or people who do extreme adventures like river rafting or moutain climbing, or people who hit hard times and then find their passion and success in their survival. I guess travel has been my one passion that never seems to wane. It has always been a love of mine. I enjoy coming home, but the itch to travel hits again and again amd again. Do I just take off and travel the world? Travel nursing didn't happen the first attempt related to family issues, but maybe it would now? I really love where I work now and have a position I'm reluctant to give up, but is that a reason not to reach for things I have been dreaming of for years and years? I have nothing to hold me back. Fear. I have fear that holds me back. Fear that finances won't be adequate. Fear of doing it alone. Fear that I'll screw up my life. But isn't holding myself back screwing up my life? I have always said I dont want to be on my deathbed wishing I had lived a different life. I want to be happy with the life I chose to lead. Why am I holding myself back? Kids are gone. No relationship to contemplate. Finances are comfortable. Have my dreams changed? I have finally accepted that the yurt isnt what I want anymore. I resisted that for years, just thinking I needed to persevere. The land isn't what I want anymore. It took many, many setbacks and the universe slapping me in the face numerous times for me to realize that isnt the direction I need to be going. But where do I go? What do I want? Who am I now? I have no idea. Trying to figure all that out right now...Maybe hiking 500 miles will help me figure that out...

Changes...

It has been a very long time and we have had many life changes... divorce, graduations, jobs just to name a few. No one wants to know the bad and the ugly that happens so I refrained for a very long time from posting. That is not to say it has all been bad since the last post. It certainly hasn't, but that was the reason I stopped initially and then just never returned. Now we have had something happen that I think is going to be worth documenting, but before I get to that let's do a general update. Both Case and Amelia have graduated from High School. Case attempted college, but it just wasn't for him at the that time. He currently has a good job that he likes doing fire and water mitigation. He has his own apartment not too far away and we get to see him regularly. Amelia is currently a junior at USC- Columbia majoring in Hospitality and Tourism Management. She wants to be a wedding planner and is very excited about a wedding planning class she has this semester. She and Conner have been together now for about 3 and half years and are still going strong. Ainslee is currently in 8th grade. She stopped dancing 2 years ago after having been on the competition jazz team for 7 years. She chose to take up horseback riding last year and is in full fledged teenagedom. The biggest change in our life recently that has brought me back to this is the decision to travel. We have taken the requisite family vacations each year, but now we are going to do it as a lifestyle for a while. With Case and Amelia out of the house, it will be just me and Ainslee on the road. It was actually at her bidding that this has come about. She saw me looking at travel nursing, which has been a dream for me since becoming a nurse, and encouraged the pursuit. So... she is being home-schooled so we can take off after some preparation. We plan to use an RV for a roof over our head and I have currently taken a "local" travel assignment with a friend who does the same to get my feet wet and learn the RV lifestyle. I am going to try to post here and Facebook to document our adventures. Stay tuned...

National Technical Honor Society

Case was inducted in to NTHS this last week for his Auto Tech Class. He is also on NHS ( National Honor Society) for academics. Here is Case with his certificate and teacher in the shop:

Random pictures

Because my children like to pick up my phone and be goofy...

First flower of winter

One morning the past week Ainslee pointed out the first flower on our camellia bush this year. It's often the little things that bring the greatest joy. The beauty and courage that the lone flower displayed and the fact that Ainslee was observant enough to notice it gave a such a feeling of peace.

Trans- Siberian Orchestra

We do two kinda big things each Christmas. One is always The Nutcracker. The other one I try to do something different each year. This year we got tickets to Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Case and I have wants to go to this for years and this year we made it!

Ainslee's first public school performance

Ainslee and her fellow third graders performed an all American songfest at novembers PTO meeting:

Rennassaince festival

We LOVE the Carolina Renaissance Festival! Held right outside if Charlotte, it is one of our favorite yearly events. I forgot to take many pictures. We always pick up something from the artisans. this year Amelia got a clay dragon that breaths smoke- its an incense incense burner. Even came with a "poop patty" to place the incense on for burning. We were enjoying ourselves too much for me to remember, but here are a few:

Parent week

This year we are traveling to three different dance studios. Ainslee is on the UCDC jazz competition team again. Amelia continues to take classes at he Centre for Performing Arts in Easley and both are taking ballet at Greenville Ballet. Whew! Each studio has a week where parents can come watch their child's class to see what they do. Here are some pictures from Greenville Ballets parent week:

Halloween

Ainslee and I spent Halloween with a my work crew at Tamara's house. She had a wonderful spread of food with lots of treats. Ainslee fell in love with Tamara. She liked her so much that she didn't want to leave and wants to invite her to our house one day. I don't blame her. Tamara is a wonderful soul. Ainslee dresses as Medusa in a homemade costume by yours truly based on a picture she saw in Chasing Fireflies. We put tiny braids and little you snaked, some of which glowed in the dark. Amelia spent the night with her best friend,Courtney, as usual. Case, being the teenager that he is, went gallivanting around with his friends. At the end of the night Ainslee and I came home and she filled her tummy with candy and we watched a Harry Potter movie as is our Halloween tradition. I do have to say, I miss Case and Amelia not being with us on Halloween. I loved watching them pull their candy out and separating it all then bargaining for trades as we all watched Harry Potter. Here's some pictures:

The pumpkin patch and corn maze

We visited Stewarts Farm pumpkin patch and corn maze this year. We have been here before and think they have the BEST corn maze around.